Love or Leave a Job you Hate?

About seven months ago, I got a new job that I thought was going to be great.  I was excited and worked hard to land this position with a fast growing company.  Now, as I’ve settled in and learned more about the company and how it operates, I am finding myself very unhappy.  I wake up in the morning and dread going into the office.

The simple explanation would be to find a new job.  If I were in my twenties, thirties or even my forties, I probably wouldn’t hesitate to start looking.  But there is a catch 22 when you are in your fifties.  It is harder to find the “right” job when we are middle aged.  Not only are we less marketable, but we are typically more picky about what we do, and who we work for.

A Mother’s Hold

On New Year’s Eve, JC and I are flying to the Midwest to meet up with my family.  This is the first time JC will be meeting my mother.  I am 52 years old and this is also the first time my mother will be faced with the fact that her daughter is really gay.  Of course she’s known for awhile, but I don’t think it is real to some people until it stares them in the face.

I admit I’m a little nervous.  I know I shouldn’t be, but I am.  There are a thousand thoughts and questions going through my mind.  How will she treat JC?  How should I act in front of my mother?  Will my mother be able to take us into her heart and accept us unconditionally?  Will this be an uncomfortable visit?  How will it affect my relationship with JC?

What is it about a mother that she has so much emotional hold on her children?  Or maybe I should be asking, why do I give her so much power in my life?  I think the emotional hold comes from the longing to be “unconditionally” loved by our mother and father.  I don’t think there is a human being alive that doesn’t wish for that deep in their soul.  Being loved by our biological parents cuts to the core of our worth.

The Double Nickel Club

A semi-traumatic event occurred in my life a few weeks ago. I knew it was going to happen, but I’d been dreading it for about a year. The months leading up to this event were somewhat painful and full of trepidation. I just couldn’t fathom how something so daunting, so appalling, so……completely disheartening could happen to me. But regardless of how demoralized I was, my 55^th birthday came anyway.

7 Promises to Make to Yourself after Divorce

After a whirlwind proposal and a fairy tale engagement celebration weekend, things have settled down a bit and fear is attempting to smack me around.  Right now, fear is winning this battle as the voices of self doubt scream ever so loudly in my head…

“What the fuck are you thinking?  You don’t know how to have a successful marriage!”

“You made bad choices in the past.  Can you really trust yourself this time?”

“You don’t deserve to be happy!  You have made so many mistakes in the past!”

“You are too old to be married again!  This is stupid!”

Thankfully, I have some great friends and an amazing partner to help talk me off the ledge.  But nonetheless, I still have to do some inner work and major self-talk to transition me through this period of anxiety.  I have to believe that I am not alone.  I can’t possibly be the only 52 year old woman remarrying after two failed marriages.  I’m probably not even the only woman that was married to men before realizing she was gay.  Or am I?

The (Legal) Proposal

It was 10:00 AM Friday morning.  JC and I were packing up and getting ready for a three day weekend in San Simeon, California.  It was the 21 month anniversary from our first date, and it wasn’t unusual for us to celebrate by getting away for some time alone.  But before we left, JC told me that we needed to meet up with a lady from our apartment complex to take a look at our country club for an upcoming party we were planning.

“Dress nice”, she said because afterwards I am going to take you for a nice lunch.  We walked outside, heading to the complex country club.  When we arrived, I looked around for the lady we were meeting.  JC said, “She is going to meet us right here.”  It was an absolutely beautiful day and I wanted to soak in the sun, so I suggested we sit on the steps to wait for her.

JC and I began to chat.  She began to tell me how she never thought she would meet someone like me, and how I deserve someone who has my back, and allows me to grow without limits.  I will spare you all the details of the conversation.  Most people would have thought the “speech” unusual, but I didn’t.  JC is very romantic and I just thought she was setting up yet another romantic weekend by expressing her feelings for me.

Bad Hair Days

With the hot, rancid breath of 55 breathing hard down my neck,
I spontaneously decided to try a slightly  different haircut and color the other day.

I’m lucky in the hair department, my hair is fairly thick, has a little body, isn’t terribly frizzy. All in all, not bad hair. The problems start when I try to “style” it.

Middle-Aged Love ~ Real or Fantasy?

The other day I said to Aphrodite, “I miss our blog”.  What I was really trying to say is I miss the creative outlet that writing affords.  It’s hard to believe that almost two years have passed since we last wrote a post on this blog.  Where the hell have I been?  Falling in love – middle aged love…

Most of my friends are middle aged like me – somewhere between the ages of 48 and 55.  And most of them are single.  Every time I turn around, another relationship is falling apart, or another person is working on reinventing their life.  I think it’s just the cycle of life and relationships.

Personally, I have failed at many relationships, and I have even reinvented myself a few times in the last 52 years.  Or maybe I should say I found out more of who I truly am.  Many of my friends look to me as inspiration and hope that they, too, can find new love during their middle years.

How to Tell When you’ve Met Your Match

As I was talking with my friend on the phone tonight, I said to her “It’s only been two weeks, but I feel like I’m falling in love! But I can’t be falling in love because it’s only been two weeks!” My wise friend said to me, “Some people meet one another and they know immediately they want to spend their lives together.”

And I can honestly say, this time with JC is different than anyone I have ever been with. I have been attracted to other people, and have even cared about others. I have even thought individuals were good partners for me, even though our connection was only mediocre. I guess when you are 50, you’ve learned enough from life about what makes you tick, what you appreciate, who you truly like, but most importantly, when you’ve met a soul mate.

In between our dates, the endless phone calls, shared emails, and astronomical number of texts, I’ve been thinking about how I know I’ve met my match. What is making me absolutely sure that I don’t want to date another soul? Why in just two short weeks, can I say JC is the one for me?

Give Me a Head With Hair

Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, hair, shoulder length or longer, hair
Here baby, there, momma, everywhere, daddy, daddy

Those lyrics from the 60’s hit song Hair came to me the other day as I was showering and getting ready to go out. I am fortunate to have lots of thick, healthy hair. On my head. That’s where the fortunate part ends, because unfortunately, it’s accompanied by thick, healthy hair on other, less desirable parts of my body. I realized as I was performing my many hair maintenance/styling/eradication routines, that I spend more time and money dealing with hair than I do anything else.

The Siren Song of Girl Scout Cookies

Girl Scouts of the USA is a savvy marketing organization. Once a year, the little cherubs peddle cookies that, if sold on the grocery store shelves, you’d never buy because they are so overpriced. Yet because they’re only available once a year, every year, at least in my family, and around my office, a Girl Scout cookie frenzy ensues.

Every January a colleague places an order form in the breakroom, and miraculously and with no effort on her part, hundreds of dollars worth of orders are collected. I personally ordered 12 boxes for my kids and grandkids, and of course for myself.

The cookies were delivered on Monday, we like Do-si-dos and Tagalongs. My sons and I each got our own personal box of each kind. Because I’m always on a diet, I never lost the “baby weight” (my baby will be 21 this year), I put my cookies in the freezer thinking that would cause me to eat them more slowly, plus keep them out of sight.